hacking myself

Daily Tao

Fri, 03 May 2013 17:54:23 -0400

Daily Tao

Simplifications...

Fri, 03 May 2013 11:36:56 -0400

The world is made up of three kinds of people

consumer zombies
independent free thinkers
manipulators

I concede, the consumer zombies need to be manipulated by the manipulators because they are zombies, and left to their own devices they will consume everything in their path to fulfill the empty hunger that democratic corporatism has left them with.

Their brains have been fried by the waves of psychological warfare washed over them for the past 100 years or so, perhaps longer… it’s hard to say how far back this plague of rampant empty consumerism extends.

The independent free thinker has also evolved from this social and cultural environment. We are the ones who have best adapted to the context. We are resilient and kind and have the capacity to intellectually, morally and emotionally regulate ourselves.

We independent thinkers though, are governed by the manipulators, and by the same rule of law and standard as the consumer zombies. This oppresses us, and often manifests in mental health diagnoses for those who find it particularly difficult to survive when we have to play by the manipulators rules… and these aren’t even rules they apply to themselves!!

So it’s all very difficult…

But it is clear that the tension between the independent free thinkers and the manipulators are taut… snapping… one-by-one… while the consumer zombies go on rampages and kill themselves and each other once in a while…

seriously fellas, keep it in your pants

Fri, 03 May 2013 11:00:59 -0400

To all you men out there who have been trolling the streets of our community with your cock out and hand on it… you are pathetic.

I am a pretty kinky gal who has a soft spot in her… we’ll say heart… for pervy guys. But when you take that perviness out into your community, around people who aren’t into the same weird shit you are, then you are committing a serious offense, not only against the public, but against the responsible perverts around here, who keep their fantasy and kink in the privacy of their where ever, with a partner(s) who can give consent and play along with you.

Trust me, you will find yourself so much more satisfied if you can find a partner out there who would be happy to watch you stroke yourself and can play along, rather than being the creep in the car watching all the little girls and boys.

You give all us perverts a bad name by turning it into a criminal activity.

Oh, and by the way you don’t want me to be the one to find you with your hand down your pants on the side of the road… trust me.

leonardcohen: Beautiful Crowd in Halifax Tonight

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:45:17 -0400

leonardcohen:

Beautiful Crowd in Halifax Tonight

Sexuality References

Sun, 14 Apr 2013 13:33:00 -0400

I wrote a paper about the arrangement of my sexuality, and these are the sources I referenced:

Caramagno, Thomas (2000) “Postmodern sexual identities” polifonia (3) 51-53

Coward, Rosalind (1999) Sacred Cows. New York:HarperCollins

Danesi, Marcus (1999) Of Cigarettes, High Heels, and Other Interesting Things. New York: St. Martin’s Press

Firestone, Shulamith (1970) The Dialectic of Sex: The Case for Feminist Revolution. New York: William Morrow and Company

Giddens, Anthony (1991) Modernity and Self-Identity: Self and Society in the Late Modern Age. Stanford University Press

Goffman, Erving (1977) “The arrangement between the sexes” Theory and Society (V4, N3) 301-331

Laing, RD (1967) The Politics of Experience. Great Britain: Penguin

Queen and Schimmel (Eds.) (1997) PoMoSexuals: Challenging Assumptions About Gender and Sexuality. California: Cleis Press

Shannon, Deric and Abbey Willis (2010) “Theoretical polyamory: Some thoughts on loving, thinking, and queering anarchism” Sexualities (13:4) 433-443

Vonnegut, Kurt (1961) Mother Night. New York: Delacore

Such a strange collection of bedfellows, even I must admit.

#signsofspring

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 10:41:54 -0400

#signsofspring

system failure...

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 08:59:12 -0400

I take these crises emerging, on the individual, community and institutional levels, as evidence that the operating system is all wrong for the programs that are being generated by the users…

OMG! I'm a feminist!!!

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:37:00 -0400

I got into a Facebook debate the other day with someone who took exception to my posting this link about the “Ding Dong” song rising the charts after Margaret Thatcher’s death. The nature of the debate is not the topic of this post, rather something he said during it; that Margaret Thatcher was a feminist.

For some reason, this above all else that was said during that 47 comment thread, bothered me so much I replied with caps. “Margaret Thatcher is NOT a feminist”. I was actually insulted.

That’s when I realized for the first time that I do fully identify with the label feminist to identify my socio-political beliefs and professional practices.

I did not realize I was a feminist before I began my graduate degree in Women’s and Gender Studies. Coming from a background of quantitative sociology, I thought that I would have difficulty identifying as such given the inherent political and paradigmatic assumptions this label is laden with.

I have learned though, that being a feminist does not have to do with the label. It more has to do with the approach to knowledge and truth, freedom and oppression.

Amazing what insult can reveal!

People misunderstand what the feminist label means to such a degree that they placed my political and philosophical beliefs in the same category as Margaret Thatcher?!?! Appalling!!!!!

And through that, I finally embrace a label…

"French women don’t dress to be sexy. Of course we do dress to seduce — that’s different from trying..."

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:12:40 -0400

“French women don’t dress to be sexy. Of course we do dress to seduce — that’s different from trying to ‘catch’ a man by wearing flamboyant clothes. The basic attitude is different. A French woman never feels she’s offering herself. There’s never a sense of surrender, but an attitude of ‘I belong to me’.”

- Ellen Wallace’s article Secrets of French Girls (via gensdumonde)

Testing, testing...

Thu, 11 Apr 2013 21:09:28 -0400

is this thing on?

the 80-20 rule

Mon, 26 Mar 2012 21:04:45 -0400

I have a new statistic for myself. It’s 80%-20%.

I have decided that where 80% of my behaviour can be driven by my ideals and 20% of my behaviour can be driven by my emotions and impulses.

It is, of course, a made up statistic. And one that is only relevant to me. But it is derived from something I heard on a CTV news story about healthy eating. So long as 80% of what you eat is good, that means you can indulge 20% of the time. And I thought… that’s a good rule of thumb for lots of things.

By allowing myself 20% indulgence… hedonism if you will… I reduce the guilt I inevitably feel when I do act out of desire, or driven by behaviour ruled by my emotions or more animalish instincts.

It means that I am becoming more aware of myself so that I can uphold the 80-20 balance. It means that I consider whether or not I want this behaviour, or that one, to count towards my 20%. Particularly in emotionally-charged social environments. The “I really want to send that asshole an angry email” kinds of moments… or the “just one more” mentality are weighed against many factors before being indulged in, which usually renders them impotent.

It is extremely hard to indulge in unenlightened behaviour when you become aware of the fact that it is unenlightened. That it will, in the long run, cause you grief in it’s consequences. Behaviour in that 20% realm can also be considered a drama level. I cannot tolerate more than 20% drama in my life. I tend to not tolerate other people’s even less… especially those whose drama levels are closer to the 50% mark. I tend to cut those types of people out of my life, or at least not let them get close to me.

I can accept that I am not 100% my ideal me. I don’t imagine I’ll ever get to 100% before I die. I don’t know that I’d want to. If I reached 100% it would mean that I could stop the process of betterment of myself, because I have reached that ideal me. But even in the face of acknowledging that I am currently 20% fallible, and prone to act on impulse, emotion and sheer selfish ways, and likely never to get that number to zero… that doesn’t mean I will ever stop striving for that 100%

rule-breaker

Tue, 28 Feb 2012 14:56:48 -0500

I am a rule-breaker.

I have been my entire life.

Every time I break a rule, I justify it somehow using the rationalization program.

My rationalization program is not rooted in any one particular ideology or philosophy. I don’t really believe there is such a thing as an external universal moral code that exists outside the realm of humanity. My behaviour is guided by my own personalised moral code, which is a mishmash of understandings about the way the world works combined with my own experiences existing.

But my moral code isn’t regulated through good and bad. My moral code is regulated through pleasure and pain.

This puts my moral code in a precarious position. Particularly because my society is guided by a moral code which puts most pursuit of pleasure on the bad side of the spectrum.

It means I break the rules a lot.

I have one really important rule for myself that I try to make a conscious effort to follow. It is: Be Not Reckless. In all aspects of life.

Let your future dissolve in front of you once in a while...

Tue, 24 Jan 2012 12:00:40 -0500

Let your future dissolve in front of you once in a while...

career moves

Mon, 09 Jan 2012 20:48:15 -0500

Today, I am an independent researcher. It has taken me awhile to be able to arrive here comfortably, but I am quite content with what I do. About 2 years ago, I thought I didn’t want to do this kind of work anymore. After the production of 2 very successful policy reports, I had burnt out. I use the term successful in terms of from a personal point of view, they were damned good reports… they were my babies.

So what happened? Why did I bail?

The story I tell says that I was frustrated and disillusioned with the impact of non-profit research and policy advisement. And that the types of findings our governments are only interested in paying attention to, are the ones that maintain the status quo and don’t cost more money. Our policy makers don’t believe that investment in education today will lead to lower justice costs tomorrow.

So I “retired” my research career, and decided to pursue the life of a bohemian artist. Funded by a weekend bookstore venue, and my husband’s willingness to cease being the stay-at-home parent and return to the workforce. He wasn’t happy with the change, and inevitably bitterness drove us apart… but that is a story for another day.

Buying and selling is like a bug, once you get it, it is hard to stop. It’s like playing the VLTs, except instead of putting your money into the machine, you put it into stuff other people have already disposed of. Every once and a while you will hit a jackpot score, and you’ll resell something for $150 that you paid a nickel for… but when books are the primary item you are addicted to buying and selling to… those scores were few and far between.

I kept the bookstore venue, and added collectible toys to the mix. For a little while, it looked like it was going to work… I was certain that this was the path I was supposed to be one. But, with no other source of income, and difficulties with management in the space my space was housed in, the dream turned into a bit of a nightmare until I woke up.

It was hard letting go of the bookstore. There were so many people and emotions that I had tied into it. For 2 years it had provided me with a sort of community and was the gateway to a lot of cool things in my life. Not to mention it was the final dismantling of the last thing my ex and I shared, and I didn’t really have anything… at all. I was in financial ruin in fact.

It has been about 2 months since I had the courage to shut down that program. I have had no problems coming out of retirement and getting research-based work. I figure, so long as I don’t actually expect the stuff I am doing to have an impact, I will continue to enjoy it and learn through it. And interestingly enough, not only I am making more money than hocking books, I actually have more time to myself, to indulge in extra-curricular activities and pleasure. Besides, I do have a $60,000 education… I might as well use it.

Oh the places you’ll go!

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 11:25:00 -0500

Oh the places you’ll go!

Photo

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 09:04:02 -0500

"The end is the beginning of all things. Suppressed and hidden. Awaiting to be released through the..."

Sat, 07 Jan 2012 09:03:14 -0500

“The end is the beginning of all things. Suppressed and hidden. Awaiting to be released through the rhythm of pain and pleasure.”

- Krishnamurti

friends and foes

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 14:16:22 -0500

There is something to be said for surrounding yourself with people who reinforce your identity. Even though I acknowledge that everyone has their own unique programming, it is sometimes difficult for me to tell where my programming ends and another persons begins.

Because there is certain programming that occurs on a cultural level, demonstrated through social patterns, and we experience one another through our emotions, demonstrated through our individual behaviour… we can expect certain bits of code to be similar. But ultimately, if we are not aware of the programs running us, we are operating on auto-play.

I have found, in my life, that the people I get along with the best, are those who are aware of their own programming, and also have the skills to master it, rather than have it master them. They are artists and professionals, left and right, young and old… And they all have one thing in common, they know themselves.

Most of the people I consider to be my friends are secure in who they are, despite the inescapable moments of insecurity and doubt, they understand who they are, and are relatively happy with it. They don’t try to present false images of themselves, unless it is for an art project, and their egos are in proportion with their success.

Most of the people who I consider to be my close friends are secure in who I am, I trust their interpretation of me. They view me as the person I strive to be… and in that they help me be that person. They don’t use that knowledge of me against me, or to exploit me… they use it to help themselves and inspire their lives. There are few feelings of competition, and criticism given is usually a gift from the heart for improvement, rather than a gift from the ego for destruction.

There are certain people that I have had to eliminate from my life from time to time. Those who, I felt, were trying to manipulate my programs, and cause me to doubt my version of reality. Whether they were or not, I had to remove them from the equation… get some distance… Some have come back into my life… Others never will… All taught me lessons about myself.

For my program to run smoothly, it needs to run in an enhanced social environment; one based on trust and compatibility. I chose my friends and foes carefully.

a prehistory of this blog

Fri, 06 Jan 2012 12:44:22 -0500

About 2 years ago I started a journey of deconstruction… the ultimate hack, if you will. I wanted to understand the programs that were running me… which ones allowed me to thrive as a human being, and which ones were based on psycho-cultural manipulation and fear. Actually, it was more than a want… I was compelled to do it… Perhaps as a survival instinct, perhaps as the result of all the things that came before… but fueled by a clear vision of what I wanted in life and where I was going to be in 10 years. All I had to do was listen, and the path of attaining that goal would reveal itself to me through opportunity and emotion.

I believe emotions are programs. Not literally, of course, and not programed by anyone except ourselves. Influenced by our culture, our economy, our community, our family… the identity is the collective of those programs. The sum expression of our emotions.

Anxiety is a program which I have had a lot of problems with. I identified it as one of the many counter-productive to my goals and an easy one to focus on first, because it is clearly identifiable through physical symptoms.

I burp when I am anxious. Always.

I began to hack my anxiety… If I was feeling anxious, I would try to identify what it was that was causing the anxiety, instead of giving into it. Once identified, I could alter my behaviour or circumstances surrounding that thing, and the anxiety program crashes.

This blog is an attempt to hack my anxiety around writing and recording a record of my journey, as it has emerged over the past 2 years and continues to emerge today.